One of the biggest demons in my life is the Should Monster. He’s a great, looming beast, reminiscent of the Jabberwocky. He’s always there, hanging over my shoulder, telling me what I Should be doing instead of what I’m actually doing. He’s a real son of a bitch, the Should.
Today, he’s telling me I Should be researching an article that’s due on Monday, that I have absolutely no knowledge of the topic. I Should be submitting more job proposals and articles. I Should be working on my hexies, and making newspaper reeds to weave a basket for my incense, and making tissue paper flowers to adorn my walls, and finishing a how-to article to go on my new blog of writing samples, and working in Evernote to get all my Shoulds organized, and contacting a customer or two for my Mary Kay business, and being coherent through all of it.
Thing is, my body just won’t even today. The longest I’ve managed to be awake is about 45 minutes, since I first woke up around 6. It’s going on 1530 now, and I’ve accomplished nothing. But that’s ok.
Yesterday, I had a nerve block done, where needles go in through my cheek, back through my jaw, to deaden the nerve that’s causing my facial pain. I also had a rather dramatic appointment with my lung doctor, who sent me immediately for a bunch of tests, and ordered a bunch more for next week, and scared the hell out of me by telling me I could have a blood clot in my lungs. Thank the gods I don’t, but we still don’t know what’s wrong.
I think my brain and body are just overwhelmed. I’m coming into a depressive swing this week, after several weeks in mania. That’s not helping me stay awake either. You see, when I’m in a manic phase, if I sleep four hours a night, that’s a lot. I’m more likely to be awake for two or three days at a time, sleep two hours, and do it again. The up side is that I get a lot done. The Should loves my manic episodes.
I’ve let the Should rule my life for far too long. I’m done now. He can just have himself a seat and leave me alone. I’m putting tomorrow’s date on today’s wish list and going back to bed.