Dear Sir, Madam, or other appropriate Gender Designator:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, it is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
herself/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warrantee is limited to replacement of these wishes or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. Void where prohibited by law. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. Do not use while bathing or sleeping. This end up. Handle with care. Do not mix with bleach, ammonia, or other common household chemicals. Acceptance of this greeting grants permission to the wisher and his/her/its affiliates to contact you via telephonic means, in accordance to the ‘Do Not Call’ legislation recently enacted. Open other end. Use in well-ventilated area. Contents under pressure. Contents may be flammable. May cause drowsiness. Do not drive or operate heavy equipment under the influence of this greeting. Contents may be hot.
Public notice as required by law: Any use of this greeting, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the recipient is hereby warned that this process will ultimately lead to
the heat death of the universe. Please note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the recipient is not directly observing this greeting, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state. Important notice to users: The entire physical universe, including this greeting, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this greeting in that universe cannot be guaranteed.)